I Want To Kiss Your Ass!

As our population increases there seems to be more and more drivers who try to live their life on the edge. Some people might think spontaneous lane changers who move from one lane to another or blinding people with their high beam death traps gives them a thrill, but for me there’s nothing better than riding someone’s ass.

I love ass kissing because when my headlights are on a cars ass it lets the driver in front of me know to either speed up or move out of my way. When I am able to see their face clearly through their rear view mirror I look back at them with a sigh on my face that without a doubt states “I am riding your ass so that you can get the fuck out of my way.” It’s hilarious because before they have the chance to slow down to piss me off I squeeze my gigantic SUV between their car and the one next to me, change lanes, speed up, and look through my rear view mirror at the havoc I just created and left behind. Most of the time I look back and I see a chain of cars that would easily break the world record of 115,000 bras that were linked together in Paphos, Cyprus. I’ve seen other drivers try to kiss other drivers asses when they are on the same freeway as me but nobody gets as close as I do. They kiss ass while I make love to the car in front of me. I rub the paint off of the cars ass without the drivers knowing. My front license plate looks like a palette of paint because of all of the ass kissing I do on a daily basis. Well not exactly but I get pretty damn close. But nothing gets the adrenaline pumping through my veins more than the element of surprise.

Each driver out there is different. When I get up in the morning and jump into my car for a full day of ass kissing I never know what the driver ahead of me is going to do and it usually puts a big smile on my face. This keeps my heart in great shape and I can’t find another workout better than this. I work out from the convenience of my own vehicle and never have to spend any extra time to stay fit because after a full day of intense ass kissing you don’t need to go to the gym. The muscles throughout my whole body each get a small work out frame especially my arms and calves. My arms bulk up from the thousand pound grip I have on my steering wheel and my calves become as hard as rock because of the vigorous motion that keep my legs skipping from the accelerator to the brake pedal.

According to Car Accidents Online, they reported statistics on car accidents in 1999 that stated there were 6,289,000 police reported car crashes and 6 hundredths of a percent of that number were fatal. Almost 50% of those fatal crashes were alcohol related which lowers the chance of my ass kissing motor techniques being fatal. I have a better chance getting struck by lightening or winning the lottery than causing a death due to my ass kissing.

People often ask me, “why don’t you just leave your house early instead of kissing ass all the way to work or why don’t you just honk and wave to the driver in front of you signaling that he needs to move faster?” I respond to their solutions but it never seems to work. I usually leave my house at 8AM to get to work by 9AM. If I leave my house fifteen minutes earlier than usual I end up driving next to the same motorists who drive in that time frame. If I leave even earlier I will hit the early morning traffic with the parents that need to take their kids to school at 8AM. Therefore I have to leave even earlier and my body is not ready to wake up before dawn to leave the house by 6AM. I’ll be wasting time, losing sleep, and I’ll be at work almost 3 hours early. Their other solution never works because other drivers never pay attention to the horn around them let alone knowing where it is coming from.

Any wreck-less driving kills and we know it does. Think of the ass kisser as having a chance to close in the gaps between cars. Riding someone’s ass is almost never fatal so don’t be afraid to drive around us ass kissers. If you are riding behind us we will most likely make room for you to speed up after we change lanes. We can get you through your daily commute without rushing at high speeds and you will arrive to your destination on time without breaking any laws. Today’s freeways need a dozen of us here and there so that we can lead other drivers past those who drag their lives on the pavement like a snail. If you do die while riding someone’s ass you’ll be the hero because you’re the one dying trying to get to your destination while the snail-like driver is still commuting to their destination causing a parade of cars and distress to other drivers. So the next time you see an ass kisser put your hazard lights on in salute to their deeds on the road.